I noticed a trend in
New Year's resolutions this year-- rather than just setting goals, I saw many
people also deciding on themes for the year.
One of my friend's posted that her theme was to "Strive." Rather
than feeling like she had to achieve a set number of goals, she wanted to
simply work on "striving" to be better and improve in many areas of
her life. I love that idea!
I've thought a lot
about what my goals and life's theme are for this year. (I know, it's June- I'm a bit behind
as usual). Goal setting is especially
hard for me right now-- not because I don't have goals or ambitions (recovering
overachiever here!), but because my body has so many physical limitations. It's honestly pretty soul-crushing to put my
hopes into something that may never come to fruition or easily slip from my
grasp due to circumstances out my control.
Though my POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) symptoms have
improved a bit over the last few years, there are still many days I can't get
out of bed, and a good 3-6 days a week that I am rendered useless when my
chronic headaches turn into debilitating migraines.
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| Photo credit: Sean Peck. This was after a late spring snow storm. I think it's a beautiful depiction of blooming despite hardship. |
My daily goals are
usually pretty simple-- make it through my inbox of work emails and projects,
get some very "light" exercise in when possible, enjoy dinner with my
family, read to and sing songs with my kids before bedtime. Some days, even those goals are a little too
lofty for me though. But it's really the
failed plans like, "attend my daughter's concert" or "make it to
my twins' school program" that are especially hard to swallow. For some
reason, after 2.5 years of dealing with the repercussions of this chronic
illness, it's still hard for me to grasp the concept that just because I felt
good enough to do something yesterday, doesn't mean I will be able to do it
again today (in fact, because I did
something yesterday, I will probably won't
be able to do much today!)
But as I've thought
about goals and themes, the word that keeps chasing me down and poking me in
the ribs (or sometimes just taunting me) is JOY. Joy is what I have been looking for the past
few years as I've tried to come to grips with my crippled life. It's what we all seek, right? It's the seemingly intangible holy
grail. I'm not just talking about the
thrill you get on a roller coaster ride, but that deep down warm, happy,
content feeling in your heart.
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| Photo credit: Sara Young |
This chronic illness
journey has given me a lot of and ups and downs… and downs and ups and downs
and downs. It's hard not to get depressed or lose hope when you feel so cruddy
all the time. It can be hard to feel happiness and joy when there's sludge running
through your veins and an ice pick chipping away at your brain.
Not long ago, after
a particularly rough string of bad days, I happened upon a talk by M. Russell Ballard. It was exactly what I needed to
hear.
He told the story of
a young man who sold all his possessions and left his home in Boston in 1849 in
search of gold in California. He worked
tirelessly, day after day, dipping his pan into the river and coming up empty. After many fruitless days he became
discouraged and distraught. He had spent all his money, put in so much time and
effort, and was seeing no reward. The
young man was just about ready to give up when he came upon an old prospector
with a bulging pouch of gold. He ask the
old man how he had found so much gold.
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| Photo credit: Sara Young |
The prospector
replied that you just need to know where to look for it. He then picked up a rock from the young man's
discarded pile and smashed it to reveal the flecks of gold within.
"But," the
young man protested, "I want to find
large nuggets of gold like you have in your pouch, not just tiny
flecks!"
The old prospector
took the bulging pouch from his waist and opened it so the boy could see that
it did not hold large nuggets, but thousands of tiny flecks of gold. He said, "It seems to me that you have
been so busy searching for nuggets of gold that, you have been missing out on
all the precious flecks along the way."
Sometimes my life
feels like it has gaping holes. I'm sad
about missing out on those large nuggets of gold. I am incredibly wanderlust- I love to travel
and have adventures, but anymore I just feel confined in my home and
claustrophobic from cabin fever. I want
to vacation with my husband and
family. I want to go hiking or ride my
bike around the lake like I used to. I
want to get in the car and drive myself to a store, spend an hour shopping, and
drive home. I want to make it to all my
kids activities and events and help at their schools. I want to have the energy to go to an
exercise class or run around with my kids in the back yard. I want to see my mom again and feel her hug
and hear her tell me everything is going to be alright. I want to not be light-headed every time I
stand up or have anxiety about passing out every time I'm in public. I want to be able to better serve my family
and friends.
But I know that when
focusing on those elusive nuggets, I am missing out on all the precious flecks
of gold around me. These are just a few
of those flecks that bring me joy:
- I find joy in being a rock star in my own home. (I love when my twins shout "Mom!" and run to hug me every time I emerge from my room.)
- I find joy in getting and giving hugs to my kids.
- I find joy in reading stories to my kids and our nightly bedtime ritual when everyone piles on my bed and we sing songs and say prayer together.
- I find joy in days with blue skies and sunshine.
- I find joy from floating in the pool and staring up into a cloudy sky at sunset.
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| Photo credit: Sara Young (Sarah's pictures always bring me joy!) |
- I find joy in watching my kids make good choices or show kindness to others.
- I find joy in family game night.
- I find joy in hanging out or joking around with my teenagers.
- I find joy in visiting with thoughtful friends.
- I find joy in the days I'm able to feel productive.
- I find joy in the times I can leave the house and return home without incident.
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| Oh happy day! I made it to the Tulip festival with my family last month. |
- I find joy in the matching little electric scooters that my daughter and I got to cruise around the neighborhood. (I can't go often or for long, but it gives me a sense of freedom I haven't had for a long time.)
- I find joy in my amazing husband-- how much he does to make our family and house run, for comforting me constantly, and for making me laugh every day.
- I find joy in the small acts of service I'm able to do or when I can occasionally feeling like I have helped someone else.
- I find joy in my faith and testimony of Christ.
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| Photo credit: Sara Young |
Russell M. Nelson
said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we
can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives…. We can feel joy even while having a bad
day, a bad week, or even a bad year! The
joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything
to do with the focus of our lives."
I testify that this
statement is true. My illness is
horrible, but that does not mean that my life is horrible. I can find joy and peace in my life, despite
my circumstance. I may not be happy
every single day, but I can choose to rely on my Savior, have hope, and
appreciate the small miracles, amazing people, and tender mercies He places in
my life. I can find joy.
