Flecks of Gold: Finding Joy

I noticed a trend in New Year's resolutions this year-- rather than just setting goals, I saw many people also deciding on themes for the year.  One of my friend's posted that her theme was to "Strive." Rather than feeling like she had to achieve a set number of goals, she wanted to simply work on "striving" to be better and improve in many areas of her life.  I love that idea! 

I've thought a lot about what my goals and life's theme are for this year.  (I know, it's June- I'm a bit behind as usual).  Goal setting is especially hard for me right now-- not because I don't have goals or ambitions (recovering overachiever here!), but because my body has so many physical limitations.  It's honestly pretty soul-crushing to put my hopes into something that may never come to fruition or easily slip from my grasp due to circumstances out my control.  Though my POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) symptoms have improved a bit over the last few years, there are still many days I can't get out of bed, and a good 3-6 days a week that I am rendered useless when my chronic headaches turn into debilitating migraines. 

  

Photo credit: Sean Peck. This was after a late spring snow storm.
 I think it's a beautiful depiction of blooming despite hardship.

My daily goals are usually pretty simple-- make it through my inbox of work emails and projects, get some very "light" exercise in when possible, enjoy dinner with my family, read to and sing songs with my kids before bedtime.  Some days, even those goals are a little too lofty for me though.  But it's really the failed plans like, "attend my daughter's concert" or "make it to my twins' school program" that are especially hard to swallow. For some reason, after 2.5 years of dealing with the repercussions of this chronic illness, it's still hard for me to grasp the concept that just because I felt good enough to do something yesterday, doesn't mean I will be able to do it again today (in fact, because I did something yesterday, I will probably won't be able to do much today!)

But as I've thought about goals and themes, the word that keeps chasing me down and poking me in the ribs (or sometimes just taunting me) is JOY.  Joy is what I have been looking for the past few years as I've tried to come to grips with my crippled life.  It's what we all seek, right?  It's the seemingly intangible holy grail.  I'm not just talking about the thrill you get on a roller coaster ride, but that deep down warm, happy, content feeling in your heart. 

Photo credit: Sara Young

This chronic illness journey has given me a lot of and ups and downs… and downs and ups and downs and downs. It's hard not to get depressed or lose hope when you feel so cruddy all the time. It can be hard to feel happiness and joy when there's sludge running through your veins and an ice pick chipping away at your brain. 

Not long ago, after a particularly rough string of bad days, I happened upon a talk by M. Russell Ballard.  It was exactly what I needed to hear. 

He told the story of a young man who sold all his possessions and left his home in Boston in 1849 in search of gold in California.  He worked tirelessly, day after day, dipping his pan into the river and coming up empty.  After many fruitless days he became discouraged and distraught. He had spent all his money, put in so much time and effort, and was seeing no reward.  The young man was just about ready to give up when he came upon an old prospector with a bulging pouch of gold.  He ask the old man how he had found so much gold. 

Photo credit: Sara Young

The prospector replied that you just need to know where to look for it.  He then picked up a rock from the young man's discarded pile and smashed it to reveal the flecks of gold within. 

"But," the young man protested, "I want to find  large nuggets of gold like you have in your pouch, not just tiny flecks!"

The old prospector took the bulging pouch from his waist and opened it so the boy could see that it did not hold large nuggets, but thousands of tiny flecks of gold.  He said, "It seems to me that you have been so busy searching for nuggets of gold that, you have been missing out on all the precious flecks along the way."

Sometimes my life feels like it has gaping holes.  I'm sad about missing out on those large nuggets of gold.  I am incredibly wanderlust- I love to travel and have adventures, but anymore I just feel confined in my home and claustrophobic from cabin fever.  I want to  vacation with my husband and family.  I want to go hiking or ride my bike around the lake like I used to.  I want to get in the car and drive myself to a store, spend an hour shopping, and drive home.  I want to make it to all my kids activities and events and help at their schools.  I want to have the energy to go to an exercise class or run around with my kids in the back yard.  I want to see my mom again and feel her hug and hear her tell me everything is going to be alright.  I want to not be light-headed every time I stand up or have anxiety about passing out every time I'm in public.  I want to be able to better serve my family and friends.

But I know that when focusing on those elusive nuggets, I am missing out on all the precious flecks of gold around me.  These are just a few of those flecks that bring me joy:

• I find joy in being a rock star in my own home. (I love when my twins shout "Mom!" and run to hug me every time I emerge from my room.)
• I find joy in getting and giving hugs to my kids.
• I find joy in reading stories to my kids and our nightly bedtime ritual when everyone piles on my bed and we sing songs and say prayer together.
• I find joy in days with blue skies and sunshine.
• I find joy from floating in the pool and staring up into a cloudy sky at sunset.

Photo credit: Sara Young (Sarah's pictures always bring me joy!)

• I find joy in watching my kids make good choices or show kindness to others.
• I find joy in family game night.
• I find joy in hanging out or joking around with my teenagers.
• I find joy in visiting with thoughtful friends.
• I find joy in the days I'm able to feel productive.
• I find joy in the times I can leave the house and return home without incident.

Oh happy day! I made it to the Tulip festival with my family last month.

• I find joy in the matching little electric scooters that my daughter and I got to cruise around the neighborhood. (I can't go often or for long, but it gives me a sense of freedom I haven't had for a long time.)
• I find joy in my amazing husband-- how much he does to make our family and house run, for comforting me constantly, and for making me laugh every day.
• I find joy in the small acts of service I'm able to do or when I can occasionally feeling like I have helped someone else.
• I find joy in my faith and testimony of Christ.

Photo credit: Sara Young

 Russell M. Nelson said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives…. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year!  The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives."

I testify that this statement is true.  My illness is horrible, but that does not mean that my life is horrible.  I can find joy and peace in my life, despite my circumstance.  I may not be happy every single day, but I can choose to rely on my Savior, have hope, and appreciate the small miracles, amazing people, and tender mercies He places in my life.  I can find joy.

Strengthening Marriage: Being the Kind of Spouse I want to Have

I was recently asked to write a talk about marriage.  I’ve appreciated the opportunity to take a closer look at things I can do to improve my relationship with my husband, despite my current state of health.  The following is geared towards everyone that seeks to improve their marriage relationship. 

Maintaining a Strong and Healthy Relationship with Your Spouse

  

Henry B. Eyring has said, “There is no more important commitment in time or in eternity than marriage."

And yet, life sometimes gets in the way.  I know there have been many times in my life where after dealing with work, kids, school, extracurricular activities, house, laundry, church responsibilities, and more, that my poor husband is the last person to receive my attention.  Currently, with my illness, my time of feeling “good” is so limited, I have to be so picky about what my priorities are and how I spend my time, as I can only do so much in a day.  

So amidst our chaotic lives, how can we make marriage a priority and how can we strengthen and maintain a good relationship with our spouse?

A piece of advice often given to those who are single is to be the kind of person you want to marry.  This advice shouldn't end once we've found our companion, however.  

We should strive to be the kind of spouse we want to have.  

The golden rule most certainly applies to marriage.

So what is the kind of spouse we all want to have?  I have thought about this a lot the past week, and have come up with a rather long, yet I'm sure not all-inclusive, list of things I seek or treasure in my spouse.  Thus, I know these are the things I need to work on for myself, as well, in order to improve my marriage.

1.      I want to be a spouse that is kind.  Why is it that we are often kinder to strangers than we are to our own family whom we love?

2.      I want to be someone who takes time for and listens to my spouse.  We need to go on dates, share the exciting and mundane details of our days and, with the age of electronic devices in full force, put down our phones and have quality conversations and connections with no self-inflicted distractions. 

3.      I want to be a spouse that shows empathy and seeks to understand.  We may not always have the same opinion or point of view, and that’s okay.  But we shouldn’t discount our spouse’s point of view because it isn’t the same as ours.  As Stephen Covey has counseled, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  

4.      I want to be someone who is quick to recognize my spouse's accomplishments and show gratitude for his actions.  So many of the mundane daily tasks in our lives may start to seem commonplace—but don't let them go unnoticed!  Show gratitude often.  I'm amazed at how much more willing I am to cheerfully serve my family when I know they recognize and appreciate my efforts. 

Additionally, if we can focus on the positive things each other is doing, it helps us to avoid dwelling on the things they aren't doing or we wish they would do-- which only leads to negative feelings and frustration.

Linda Burton said, "The nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each other.  We are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves.  Barbara B. Smith wisely taught, ‘There is so much more of happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another’s successes and not just in our own.’  When we seek to “complete” rather than “compete,” it is so much easier to cheer each other on!”

5.   Along these same lines, I want to be someone who apologizes and also forgives.

Linda Burton posed a question that helps put this principle in perspective.  She asked, "When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be ‘right’?"

Steven Snow said, “Unnecessary pride can dissolve family relationships, break up marriages, and destroy friendships. It is especially important to remember humility when you feel contention rising in your home. Think of all the heartache you can avoid by humbling yourself to say, “I’m sorry”; “That was inconsiderate of me”; “What would you like to do?”; “I just wasn’t thinking”; or “I’m very proud of you.” If these little phrases were humbly used, there would be less contention and more peace in our homes.

6.   I want to be someone who thinks often about the needs of my spouse and how I can help.  While I may not be able to physically help him with every trial, sadness, or stressor in his life, I can always, always pray for him.

7.      I want to be someone that is happy and strives to make my spouse and others happy. 

Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."  I also love Russel M. Nelson’s recent talk where he said “we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives.”  We can be happy, even if life is not going the way we planned.  That is certainly a lesson we have learned in our family this past year, and I am so grateful for my husband who helps me smile and laugh every day.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your spouse.

In addition to concentrating on these areas of improvement, there are two other principles of focus that I feel are important for a strong marriage.  The first is to take care of yourself.  I know this sounds counter-intuitive when talking about marriage, but I would assert that if your basic needs are taken care of, it will be easier for you to take care of the needs of others.

Barbara Smith said, "The state of our health affects every facet of our life—our feeling of personal well-being, our approach to work, our social interactions—even our service to the Lord.” 

One of the bumpiest times in my marriage was after our twins were born.  They were preemies and slow to eat-- you'd just finish feeding and changing them both when it was about time to start over. They were colicky and screamed for hours every night.  They got RSV (a respiratory infection) early on which had lingering effects for almost a year after.  And it seemed like they never, ever, EVER slept at the same time or for more than an hour or two at a time.  Thus, we also rarely slept and merely coexisted in a state of constant exhaustion.  Needless to say, the frazzled ends of our patience tended to ignite much faster than should have— not because we didn’t care about each other, but simply because our basic needs (particularly that of sleep) were not being met.

There is a well-known health theory called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  Imagine a pyramid with five tiers or levels.  The bottom level is your most basic physiological needs-- such as food, water, and sleep.  The second tier is safety, then friendship and belonging, esteem and respect, and at the very top is self-actualization, or feelings of fulfillment-- something we all want to achieve.

The premise of the theory is that it is hard to reach a higher level of the pyramid until the needs on the lower levels have been met.  For example, if you were hungry enough, I imagine you would be willing to risk your safety (in the second tier) in order to obtain food.  Similarly, how much harder is it to give or receive kindness, patience, love and compassion when you are hungry, tired, and stressed?

Jeffrey Holland has said, "Fatigue is the common enemy of us all--so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill."

If we take the time to take care for ourselves through rest, a healthy diet, exercise, and mindfulness, it will enable us to better attend to our marriage.  We can also help our spouses do the same-- which may mean giving them time to exercise or encouraging them to refresh by getting out of the house to spend time with friends, focus on hobby, or walk the aisles of Target alone without any needy children.

Trust in the Lord

Of course, despite our best efforts, we can’t fully eliminate stress or exhaustion in our lives.  But Todd D. Christofferson has assured us that, “Much that is good, much that is essential--even sometimes all that is necessary for now--can be achieved in less than ideal circumstances.”

So that is where my final words of advice come into play: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Source: http://www.crosscards.com/cards/scripture-cards/trust-in-the-lord-tulips.html

We are told that we can do all things through Christ.  Moroni 7:33 says, "If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me." 

Marriage is ordained of God. He wants us to be successful, and He has promised to help.  Pray for and with your spouse.  Rely on your Savior as you strive to strengthen your relationship with each other.  In so doing, we can follow the proverb “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.”