I
was recently asked to write a talk about marriage. I’ve appreciated the opportunity to take a
closer look at things I can do to improve my relationship with my husband,
despite my current state of health. The following is geared towards everyone that seeks to improve their marriage relationship.
Maintaining a Strong and Healthy Relationship with Your Spouse
Henry B. Eyring has said, “There is no more important commitment in time or in
eternity than marriage."
And
yet, life sometimes gets in the way. I
know there have been many times in my life where after dealing with work, kids,
school, extracurricular activities, house, laundry, church responsibilities,
and more, that my poor husband is the last person to receive my attention. Currently, with my illness, my time of feeling
“good” is so limited, I have to be so picky about what my priorities are and how I spend my time, as I
can only do so much in a day.
So amidst
our chaotic lives, how can we make marriage a priority and how can we
strengthen and maintain a good relationship with our spouse?
A
piece of advice often given to those who are single is to be the kind of person
you want to marry. This advice shouldn't
end once we've found our companion, however.
We should strive to be the kind of spouse we want to have.
The golden rule most certainly applies to
marriage.
So
what is the kind of spouse we all want to have? I have thought about this a lot the past week,
and have come up with a rather long, yet I'm sure not all-inclusive, list of
things I seek or treasure in my spouse.
Thus, I know these are the things I need to work on for myself, as well,
in order to improve my marriage.
1.
I want to be a
spouse that is kind. Why is it
that we are often kinder to strangers than we are to our own family whom we
love?
2.
I want to be
someone who takes time for and listens to my spouse. We need to go on dates, share the exciting and
mundane details of our days and, with the age of electronic devices in full
force, put down our phones and have quality conversations and connections with
no self-inflicted distractions.
3.
I want to be a
spouse that shows empathy and seeks to understand. We may not always have the same opinion or
point of view, and that’s okay. But we
shouldn’t discount our spouse’s point of view because it isn’t the same as
ours. As Stephen Covey has counseled, “Seek
first to understand, then to be understood.”
4.
I want to be
someone who is quick to recognize my spouse's accomplishments and show
gratitude for his actions. So many
of the mundane daily tasks in our lives may start to seem commonplace—but don't
let them go unnoticed! Show gratitude
often. I'm amazed at how much more
willing I am to cheerfully serve my family when I know they recognize and
appreciate my efforts.
Additionally, if we
can focus on the positive things each other is doing, it helps us to avoid
dwelling on the things they aren't doing or we wish they would do--
which only leads to negative feelings and frustration.
Linda Burton said,
"The nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each
other. We are here to help, lift, and
rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves. Barbara B. Smith wisely taught, ‘There is
so much more of happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another’s successes
and not just in our own.’ When we seek
to “complete” rather than “compete,” it is so much easier to cheer each other
on!”
5. Along these same
lines, I want to be someone who apologizes
and also forgives.
Linda Burton posed a question that helps put this
principle in perspective. She asked,
"When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be
‘right’?"
Steven Snow said, “Unnecessary pride can dissolve
family relationships, break up marriages, and destroy friendships. It is
especially important to remember humility when you feel contention rising in
your home. Think of all the heartache you can avoid by humbling yourself to
say, “I’m sorry”; “That was inconsiderate of me”; “What would you like to do?”;
“I just wasn’t thinking”; or “I’m very proud of you.” If these little phrases
were humbly used, there would be less contention and more peace in our homes.
6.
I want to be
someone who thinks often about the needs of my spouse and how I can help. While I may not be able to physically help
him with every trial, sadness, or stressor in his life, I can always, always pray
for him.
7.
I want to be
someone that is happy and strives to make my spouse and others happy.
Gordon B. Hinckley
said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." I also love Russel M. Nelson’s recent talk where
he said “we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in
our lives.” We can be happy, even if
life is not going the way we planned.
That is certainly a lesson we have learned in our family this past year,
and I am so grateful for my husband who helps me smile and laugh every day.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your spouse.
In
addition to concentrating on these areas of improvement, there are two other principles
of focus that I feel are important for a strong marriage. The first is to take care of yourself. I
know this sounds counter-intuitive when talking about marriage, but I would assert
that if your basic needs are taken care of, it will be easier for you to take
care of the needs of others.
Barbara
Smith said, "The state of our health affects every facet of our life—our feeling
of personal well-being, our approach to work, our social interactions—even our
service to the Lord.”
One of the bumpiest times in my marriage was after our twins were
born. They were preemies and slow to eat--
you'd just finish feeding and changing them both when it was about time to
start over. They were colicky and screamed for hours every night. They got RSV (a respiratory infection) early on which had lingering
effects for almost a year after. And it
seemed like they never, ever, EVER slept at the same time or for more than an
hour or two at a time. Thus, we also
rarely slept and merely coexisted in a state of constant exhaustion. Needless to say, the frazzled ends of our
patience tended to ignite much faster than should have— not because we didn’t
care about each other, but simply because our basic needs (particularly that of
sleep) were not being met.
There
is a well-known health theory called Maslow's
Hierarchy of Needs. Imagine a pyramid
with five tiers or levels. The bottom
level is your most basic physiological needs-- such as food, water, and
sleep. The second tier is safety, then
friendship and belonging, esteem and respect, and at the very top is
self-actualization, or feelings of fulfillment-- something we all want to
achieve.
The
premise of the theory is that it is hard to reach a higher level of the pyramid
until the needs on the lower levels have been met. For example, if you were hungry enough, I
imagine you would be willing to risk your safety (in the second tier) in order
to obtain food. Similarly, how much
harder is it to give or receive kindness, patience, love and compassion when
you are hungry, tired, and stressed?
Jeffrey
Holland has said, "Fatigue is the common enemy of us all--so slow down,
rest up, replenish, and refill."
If
we take the time to take care for ourselves through rest, a healthy diet,
exercise, and mindfulness, it will enable us to better attend to our
marriage. We can also help our spouses
do the same-- which may mean giving them time to exercise or encouraging them
to refresh by getting out of the house to spend time with friends, focus on
hobby, or walk the aisles of Target alone without any needy children.
Trust in the Lord
Of
course, despite our best efforts, we can’t fully eliminate stress or exhaustion
in our lives. But Todd D. Christofferson
has assured us that, “Much that is good, much that is essential--even sometimes
all that is necessary for now--can be achieved in less than ideal
circumstances.”
So
that is where my final words of advice come into play: “Trust in the Lord with all
thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall
direct they paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
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| Source: http://www.crosscards.com/cards/scripture-cards/trust-in-the-lord-tulips.html |
We
are told that we can do all things through Christ. Moroni 7:33 says, "If ye will have faith
in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me."
Marriage is ordained of God. He wants us to be successful, and He has
promised to help. Pray for and with your
spouse. Rely on your Savior as you
strive to strengthen your relationship with each other. In so doing, we can follow the proverb “Thee lift
me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.”
