You Lift Me and I'll Lift Thee

"Thee lift me and I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together." I have found a lot of truth in this Quaker proverb the past few years as I have dealt with the crippling effects of POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) and autoimmune disease, yet have been lifted by countless friends and neighbors.

One of the things that has been especially hard about my illness is all the things I miss out on, especially with my kids and family.  It is hard to stand by and watch life happen without me.  Just a few months ago my husband took our kids to visit his dad over spring break.  He sent me pictures of them all playing happily at the beach.  I was glad to see them having a good time, but it still hurt my heart to not be there making those memories with them.

A sweet friend of mine, knowing that I was home alone for the week, asked if she could come visit me.  It was a great visit and truly helped to lift my spirits.  What amazed me even more about this act of kindness is that my friend is currently battling cancer.  In fact, it was her last “good” day before her next round of nauseating, life-sucking chemo—and she chose to spend her precious time with me!  Oh, how much that meant to me!

As I have spent the last couple of years fairly homebound and bed ridden, I have been consistently impressed by the number of amazing people there are in this world that are so giving of their time, talents, and selves.  I’m amazed at the level of generosity and thoughtfulness of others.  One of the many things that my time in bed has made more infinitely clear is how much we need each other.  We weren’t put on this earth to live a solitary life, but to serve and to be served. 

Everyone has struggles and heart ache.  Everyone experiences loss-- whether it be death of a loved one, poor health, struggling relationships, loss of job, home, or financial security, or something else entirely.  We don’t all have the same problems (thank Heavens!), but that doesn’t mean we can’t show compassion and empathy for others, no matter what they are going through.

A comment I frequently hear from others is, “Well you’re stuck in bed, so I have no right to complain about my problems.”  Not true!  We all have difficulties we are struggling with, and we can all use support. 

 

Photo cred: Stephanie Ann Portraits

This life is not a competition to see whose problems are the most difficult.  Just like one person’s good fortune in no way diminishes another’s blessings, one person’s trials, does not make another’s less hard or frustrating for them.  And just because someone’s problems may seem minor to one, does not mean that they aren’t a big deal to the person experiencing them.  (I have to often remind myself of this when it comes to my kids and the struggles they are dealing with that may seem inconsequential to me). 

Linda K. Burton said, “We are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves…. There is so much more happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another’s successes and not just in our own.  When we seek to ‘complete’ rather than ‘compete,’ it is so much easier to cheer each other on.”

Being the beneficiary of so much compassion has caused me to reflect on my own deeds.  When I was healthier and able to do more, did I?  Was I as aware of those around me that were in need of lifting?  And now that I am less capable of physically helping others, are there still things I can do to be of service?  Since I have been sick, I feel like I have become more keenly aware of others sorrows and needs, yet I often feel so powerless to help.

So, how can I help others when I can barely help myself?

Many have shown me that I don’t always have to physically do something in order to help.  Sometimes a note, a text, or a quick visit has had the greatest impact in buoying my spirits.  Just knowing that someone else cares can make a world of difference.  

Meals, treats, and gifts are certainly a happy surprise (and I have been so amazed at the generosity of others), but I’ve also learned that it’s more important to do something than to do nothing.  When you’re not able to send a meal, at least send at text.  When you don’t have a gift to give, write a card.

There have been so many times that I’ve had a rough day and gotten an encouraging text or note from a friend.  I’m especially impressed with those friends that have been consistent.  Even being surrounded by people, trials can be extremely lonely.  It means so much to know that you haven’t been forgotten.

Knowing what a difference it has made for me, I have tried more earnestly to listen to that still small voice.  If there is someone on my mind, it is probably for a reason.  Even if I don’t have a great piece of inspiration to provide, I can still reach out to say, “Thinking of you today.  Hope you are doing well!” 

I have also become much more emotive with my friends and loved ones.  I commonly tell my friends how much I love and appreciate them.  Previously I may have worried about sounding too corny or cheesy.  I don’t care about that now.  Everyone deserves to hear how incredible they are.

Words can be a powerful tool for good!  In an effort to highlight the good deeds of others, thank those that have been great examples to me, and put forth more positivity into the world, I started doing a “Hero of the Week” post every week (or so) on my Facebook page.  I have loved openly sharing my appreciation for others in my life and hopefully lifting them as well.

Another form of service that I have come to rely heavily on is prayer.  I may not be able to physically help others, but I can always, ALWAYS pray for them.    

Though I have learned it anew, I first realized this lesson several years ago.  My twins were born premature.  Those two babies completely rocked our world (in both the good and bad sense).  After coming home from the NICU they quickly became colicky and would cry for hours on end.  Within a couple months both also developed RSV (a respiratory infection).  They were miserable and so were we.  I remember wondering how two tiny human beings could be such an incredible blessing and such a trial at the same time.  The feedings, diaper changing, fruitless attempts at calming, and sleepless delirium became our new norm.  We went into survival mode, with little time to even shower or clean house.  We could barely care for ourselves and our kids, let alone help anyone else. 

At this same time, in fact just a few weeks before the twins were born, my mom, who lived 200 miles away, was diagnosed with breast cancer and started the rigorous treatments of chemo, surgery, and radiation.  It was heartbreaking for both my mom and I to watch each other struggle from afar and be able to do very little to help the other.  I longed to be in Idaho helping my mom and she longed to be in Utah holding the twins and helping me.  It was at this time that I truly realized the power of prayer for others—and that no matter what my own abilities are (or are not) to help someone else, I can always pray for them.  If I couldn’t be there with my mom, I could at least pray for angels to attend her, and I know she did the same for me.   

I could fill pages and pages with names of people that have helped me and my family the last several years (and I doubt I could ever do an adequate job sharing my gratitude, but if you are one of those people—Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!).  The charity, kindness, and generosity of others has set a beautiful example to me of how to pay it forward.  

No matter our circumstances in life, we can recognize those around us that are struggling and work to achieve the proverb, “Thee lift me, and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.”

Strengthening Marriage: Being the Kind of Spouse I want to Have

I was recently asked to write a talk about marriage.  I’ve appreciated the opportunity to take a closer look at things I can do to improve my relationship with my husband, despite my current state of health.  The following is geared towards everyone that seeks to improve their marriage relationship. 

Maintaining a Strong and Healthy Relationship with Your Spouse

  

Henry B. Eyring has said, “There is no more important commitment in time or in eternity than marriage."

And yet, life sometimes gets in the way.  I know there have been many times in my life where after dealing with work, kids, school, extracurricular activities, house, laundry, church responsibilities, and more, that my poor husband is the last person to receive my attention.  Currently, with my illness, my time of feeling “good” is so limited, I have to be so picky about what my priorities are and how I spend my time, as I can only do so much in a day.  

So amidst our chaotic lives, how can we make marriage a priority and how can we strengthen and maintain a good relationship with our spouse?

A piece of advice often given to those who are single is to be the kind of person you want to marry.  This advice shouldn't end once we've found our companion, however.  

We should strive to be the kind of spouse we want to have.  

The golden rule most certainly applies to marriage.

So what is the kind of spouse we all want to have?  I have thought about this a lot the past week, and have come up with a rather long, yet I'm sure not all-inclusive, list of things I seek or treasure in my spouse.  Thus, I know these are the things I need to work on for myself, as well, in order to improve my marriage.

1.      I want to be a spouse that is kind.  Why is it that we are often kinder to strangers than we are to our own family whom we love?

2.      I want to be someone who takes time for and listens to my spouse.  We need to go on dates, share the exciting and mundane details of our days and, with the age of electronic devices in full force, put down our phones and have quality conversations and connections with no self-inflicted distractions. 

3.      I want to be a spouse that shows empathy and seeks to understand.  We may not always have the same opinion or point of view, and that’s okay.  But we shouldn’t discount our spouse’s point of view because it isn’t the same as ours.  As Stephen Covey has counseled, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  

4.      I want to be someone who is quick to recognize my spouse's accomplishments and show gratitude for his actions.  So many of the mundane daily tasks in our lives may start to seem commonplace—but don't let them go unnoticed!  Show gratitude often.  I'm amazed at how much more willing I am to cheerfully serve my family when I know they recognize and appreciate my efforts. 

Additionally, if we can focus on the positive things each other is doing, it helps us to avoid dwelling on the things they aren't doing or we wish they would do-- which only leads to negative feelings and frustration.

Linda Burton said, "The nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each other.  We are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves.  Barbara B. Smith wisely taught, ‘There is so much more of happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another’s successes and not just in our own.’  When we seek to “complete” rather than “compete,” it is so much easier to cheer each other on!”

5.   Along these same lines, I want to be someone who apologizes and also forgives.

Linda Burton posed a question that helps put this principle in perspective.  She asked, "When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be ‘right’?"

Steven Snow said, “Unnecessary pride can dissolve family relationships, break up marriages, and destroy friendships. It is especially important to remember humility when you feel contention rising in your home. Think of all the heartache you can avoid by humbling yourself to say, “I’m sorry”; “That was inconsiderate of me”; “What would you like to do?”; “I just wasn’t thinking”; or “I’m very proud of you.” If these little phrases were humbly used, there would be less contention and more peace in our homes.

6.   I want to be someone who thinks often about the needs of my spouse and how I can help.  While I may not be able to physically help him with every trial, sadness, or stressor in his life, I can always, always pray for him.

7.      I want to be someone that is happy and strives to make my spouse and others happy. 

Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."  I also love Russel M. Nelson’s recent talk where he said “we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives.”  We can be happy, even if life is not going the way we planned.  That is certainly a lesson we have learned in our family this past year, and I am so grateful for my husband who helps me smile and laugh every day.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your spouse.

In addition to concentrating on these areas of improvement, there are two other principles of focus that I feel are important for a strong marriage.  The first is to take care of yourself.  I know this sounds counter-intuitive when talking about marriage, but I would assert that if your basic needs are taken care of, it will be easier for you to take care of the needs of others.

Barbara Smith said, "The state of our health affects every facet of our life—our feeling of personal well-being, our approach to work, our social interactions—even our service to the Lord.” 

One of the bumpiest times in my marriage was after our twins were born.  They were preemies and slow to eat-- you'd just finish feeding and changing them both when it was about time to start over. They were colicky and screamed for hours every night.  They got RSV (a respiratory infection) early on which had lingering effects for almost a year after.  And it seemed like they never, ever, EVER slept at the same time or for more than an hour or two at a time.  Thus, we also rarely slept and merely coexisted in a state of constant exhaustion.  Needless to say, the frazzled ends of our patience tended to ignite much faster than should have— not because we didn’t care about each other, but simply because our basic needs (particularly that of sleep) were not being met.

There is a well-known health theory called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  Imagine a pyramid with five tiers or levels.  The bottom level is your most basic physiological needs-- such as food, water, and sleep.  The second tier is safety, then friendship and belonging, esteem and respect, and at the very top is self-actualization, or feelings of fulfillment-- something we all want to achieve.

The premise of the theory is that it is hard to reach a higher level of the pyramid until the needs on the lower levels have been met.  For example, if you were hungry enough, I imagine you would be willing to risk your safety (in the second tier) in order to obtain food.  Similarly, how much harder is it to give or receive kindness, patience, love and compassion when you are hungry, tired, and stressed?

Jeffrey Holland has said, "Fatigue is the common enemy of us all--so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill."

If we take the time to take care for ourselves through rest, a healthy diet, exercise, and mindfulness, it will enable us to better attend to our marriage.  We can also help our spouses do the same-- which may mean giving them time to exercise or encouraging them to refresh by getting out of the house to spend time with friends, focus on hobby, or walk the aisles of Target alone without any needy children.

Trust in the Lord

Of course, despite our best efforts, we can’t fully eliminate stress or exhaustion in our lives.  But Todd D. Christofferson has assured us that, “Much that is good, much that is essential--even sometimes all that is necessary for now--can be achieved in less than ideal circumstances.”

So that is where my final words of advice come into play: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Source: http://www.crosscards.com/cards/scripture-cards/trust-in-the-lord-tulips.html

We are told that we can do all things through Christ.  Moroni 7:33 says, "If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me." 

Marriage is ordained of God. He wants us to be successful, and He has promised to help.  Pray for and with your spouse.  Rely on your Savior as you strive to strengthen your relationship with each other.  In so doing, we can follow the proverb “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.”